Have you noticed that some people seem naturally magnetic where others are prickly? What are some of the elements that make some people love magnets? In a recent speaking engagement I pointed out that most babies are love magnets without having to do anything: they are magnetic just by being themselves. What happens over time to interfere with our natural birthright of being love magnets? I think a lot has to do with others telling us we have been bad or wrong – or that we’ve disappointed them. We start to doubt ourselves and question whether or not we’re lovable. How can we shed ourselves of those negative messages and return to loving beings? Here are three ways:
1) Fall madly in love with yourself! Celebrate your triumphs and be compassionate toward yourself when you make mistakes or believe that you have fallen short
2) Be friendly to others and create connections even if it’s just in a supermarket lineup! A friendly smile could be the highlight of someone’s day and it’s going to make you feel good, too!
3) Recognize the value of community. Get out there and participate! Make a difference in the world and shine that light of yours!
How might your life be different if you intentionally gave and received love with an open heart? Why not give it a try?
With Valentine’s Day coming up very soon why wait for someone else to express love to you? When you make a conscious choice to be a more loving person you can treat everyone you meet with kindness and compassion. Many people save themselves and their love for a romantic partner but my belief is that if you don’t use it you lose it so why not practise love every day?
I have a friend who teases me about shining white light at people! Actually when I walk down the street I smile at strangers. Sometimes I get a smile back but often the person averts his or her eyes. I hope someday everyone will feel safe to smile at a stranger. I know it makes me feel good!
Falling in love is so compelling. We appreciate the companionship, the touch, the sense of belonging, the chemistry and the euphoria when we first meet someone and we think we’ve found “the One” at last! A cocktail of feel-good hormones is rushing through our bloodstream… but what if one person really isn’t ready to be in a relationship?
I have a client who has done a lot of personal work and she believes she is ready for a relationship. We’ve gone through my Relationship Readiness Quiz and she has given herself a high score. We’ve talked about areas where she might need a little work, but she’s at a place in her life where she is really ready to date.
She met a man recently who is not ready for a relationship. He recognizes that he has some things he needs to attend to before he can be the partner he truly wants to be. They love spending time together. They communicate well. They have fun… but they are both aware of the red flags.
So… what should they do? Should they proceed hoping that the red flags won’t interfere with the co-creation of a healthy relationship? Should they be “just friends” for a while and see how it goes? Should they go their separate ways? What they have decided to do is to take a 6-month break, then re-assess after that period of time. Does it feel risky? Yes. Neither knows what will happen in that 6-month period but he knows he needs to do some work. Might she meet someone else? It’s a definite possibility but they have made this decision because they agree this is the only way to have a strong foundation for a healthy relationship… whether or not it’s with each other.
This seems to me to be the wise path. It’s not the easy path. They enjoy their time together and bring out the best in one another. As a relationship coach I have supported her in taking this step so they can both come from a place of health and stability.
Have you ever made a conscious decision to part from someone because that’s the wisest choice? What has been your experience in trying to have a healthy relationship when one person really isn’t ready? Please leave your comments below!
This is my third blog about Daphne Rose Kingma’s book called “True Love: How to Make Your Relationship Sweeter, Deeper and More Passionate.”
The third section of Daphne Rose Kingma’s book is called “The Transformations of Love” and this is where she addresses the higher meaning of our loving relationships. On page 140 she writes,
“… it [the relationship] is the coming together of two persons whose spirits participate with one another, beautifully and painfully, in the inexorable process of their individual becoming.
In this respect, relationships are like relentless grinding stones, polishing and refining us to the highest level of our radiance. It is this radiance which is the highest expression of love — this is why a relationship is a spiritual enterprise.”
She talks in this section about the value of consoling one another as we are presented with life’s tragedies and challenges; how important forgiveness and tolerance are toward your beloved; and the value of consecrating your relationship by doing special rituals and meaningful observances. I like how she talks about the nuts and bolts and the reality of being in a relationship which is not all sunshine and roses all the time!
I think this is a gem of a book. If you can get a copy of it, I highly recommend it!
Yesterday in my blog I talked about having come across a wonderful treasure: Daphne Rose Kingma’s book called True Love: How to Make Your Relationship Sweeter, Deeper and More Passionate.
Today, in Part 2 I will share with you some of the highlights of the second section of the book called “The Practices of Love.”
In the “Love Yourself” chapter she says,
“All too many of us consider love to be the miracle by which, finally, we will become complete human beings. This is the fixer-upper notion of love, the idea that we are not all right as we are, but if we can just get loved by somebody, then that will prove we’re ok.”
The truth is that to love someone else, and to be loved, we have to love ourselves first. She talks about loving yourself enough to be authentic: having the courage to say what you feel and ask for what you want. She suggests ways to cherish your beloved – like criticizing only in private, behaving yourself in public and praising the ordinary. Many times we are so focused on things from our point of view that we forget to be compassionate toward our partner and what he/she may be going through. Another example of loving behavior is to depart and reunite with loving gestures. I have a friend in her late 70’s and her husband is in his mid 80’s. They greet each other with a hug and a kiss and when they part, they do the same. So often it’s the small gestures that mean so much. It’s easy to take our partner for granted but making time for loving actions goes a long way even after decades of marriage!
Tomorrow I will talk about the third section of True Love called “The Transformations of Love.” Stay tuned!
I met Ron Capocelli, a relationship coach at www.inspiredcommitment.com at a coaching event recently, and he generously invited me to be interviewed on his internet radio show called “Getting Relationships Right.” He and I had a lively discussion about various aspects of dating. The theme was “Are you really ready to date?”
The discussion lasts for just over half an hour, and I invite you to listen here: http://webtalkradio.net/internet-talk-radio/2013/04/15/getting-relationships-right-are-you-really-ready-to-date/ You can also download it so you can listen on an mp3 player.
You’ll pick up some practical tips and get three foundational principles that will prepare you to stay sane in the dating game!
There are two habitual reactions that many of us have can greatly increase the suffering we experience in life. One is taking things personally and the other, which is related, is interpreting others’ behavior.
Recently, a friend of mine was sharing with me that a co-worker was acting rather cool and standoffish with her. In the past, my friend had seen that this indicated that the co-worker was upset or annoyed… and my friend didn’t know what she had done. She wracked her brain trying to think of something she’d said, something she’d done… Then it turned out that my friend’s co-worker was anxious about an upcoming meeting, and it had nothing to do with her! When she asked me if I thought she was too sensitive, I responded that I think she fell into the trap we all do, from time to time, of thinking that it’s always about us. Think how liberated you would feel if you could detach from thinking it’s about you – and to choose not take on other people’s stuff!
Related to this is the danger of interpreting others’ behavior. How often have you started telling yourself stories about another person’s motivation, or imagined what is going on in their head … and then found out later that you were totally wrong? One of the tools I use in coaching my clients is a “perception check”. When you feel triggered you tell the person what you are imagining and how you feel as a result… and you check it out with them. So often what you think is going on is completely different from the other person’s reality. It’s always safer to ask than to assume!
I invite you to watch for these habits: 1) taking things personally and 2) interpreting others’ behavior. With awareness you can break through these patterns and live with much less suffering!
Katherine Woodward Thomas starts a live online Calling in “the One” course this evening. I’m a Certified Calling in “the One” coach and I know how valuable this program is. I have to admit that I feel a little uncomfortable with the claim “7 weeks to attract the love of your life.” In the marketing it is implied that if you take this course, you will find your true love right away. When I work with people, I like to clarify this a bit. I can’t guarantee that you will find the love of your life in 7 weeks if you mean a beloved partner. What you will gain after 7 weeks of this work is a much deeper insight into yourself. You will learn more about your limiting attitudes and beliefs, you’ll learn some great communication skills and you will be much better prepared for love. Yes, you will attract the love of your life… and the love of your life is YOU!
In her book “If I’m So Wonderful Why am I Still Single” Susan Page has involuntary single readers really examine any ambivalence they may have about being in a committed relationship. Most people who long for a relationship can come up with many benefits, but have you actually looked at what you anticipate you might lose if you were in one? There will be challenges – this is inevitable. Really being honest with ourselves and bringing up the pro’s and con’s will allow us to be more conscious about our choices, instead of being sabotaged by self-defeating behaviours.
Join me on Saturday January 26th for part 1 of a 3-part series in which we focus on this essential book for singles! Get more information on my Fireside Chats page.
Are you ambivalent about being in a committed relationship? What would you gain? What might you lose? Which list is longer? Please share your comments!
A client of mine has just decided to stop online dating for a while. She was using that as her only strategy to date and she was finding that she wasn’t living her life. Just this morning, a friend told me that he wasn’t free to meet for coffee because he’d met somebody yesterday and they were going to try being in an exclusive relationship. I don’t know what you think about that, but I think meeting someone and deciding immediately to get into a committed relationship is premature… and to choose not to see friends isn’t going to contribute to the health of this relationship!
I believe that singles need to have full, rich lives so they come from a place of fullness and abundance, not from a place of loneliness and desperation. A viable, healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals.
If you’re dating, are you still spending time on self-care, nurturing friendships, learning and growing, and sharing your gifts with the world? Do you feel balanced? How do you ensure that dating doesn’t interfere with living fully? Please share your thoughts! We’d love to hear from you!
Paul Anka had a hit song years ago called “Lonely Boy”. Here are the words from the first verse: ” I’m just a lonely boy, lonely and blue. I’m all alone with nothin’ to do. I’ve got everything you could think of. But all I want is someone to love.” How appealing is this man going to be to a single woman? He’s lonely, blue, has nothing to do and thinks that having someone to love will fix everything. Seriously, how much love does a man like that have to offer? My thought is that he’s not so interested in giving love as he is in receiving it – so he can feel better about himself and his life.
Recently I heard a woman say that she wanted someone to love. Unfortunately in this culture, having someone to love implies that need to be in a romantic relationship. To me, that’s very sad because there are all kind of opportunities to love people… and the more you love yourself, others, the Divine and random strangers, your capacity to give and receive love expands.
So, this holiday season, please do yourself a favour and instead of lamenting that you don’t have a significant other to love, please practise being a loving person, period. When the time comes that you are in a relationship with a significant other, it will deepen your ability to be more loving without expecting so much in return, and love is never wasted!