Have you noticed that some people seem naturally magnetic where others are prickly? What are some of the elements that make some people love magnets? In a recent speaking engagement I pointed out that most babies are love magnets without having to do anything: they are magnetic just by being themselves. What happens over time to interfere with our natural birthright of being love magnets? I think a lot has to do with others telling us we have been bad or wrong – or that we’ve disappointed them. We start to doubt ourselves and question whether or not we’re lovable. How can we shed ourselves of those negative messages and return to loving beings? Here are three ways:
1) Fall madly in love with yourself! Celebrate your triumphs and be compassionate toward yourself when you make mistakes or believe that you have fallen short
2) Be friendly to others and create connections even if it’s just in a supermarket lineup! A friendly smile could be the highlight of someone’s day and it’s going to make you feel good, too!
3) Recognize the value of community. Get out there and participate! Make a difference in the world and shine that light of yours!
How might your life be different if you intentionally gave and received love with an open heart? Why not give it a try?
With Valentine’s Day coming up very soon why wait for someone else to express love to you? When you make a conscious choice to be a more loving person you can treat everyone you meet with kindness and compassion. Many people save themselves and their love for a romantic partner but my belief is that if you don’t use it you lose it so why not practise love every day?
I have a friend who teases me about shining white light at people! Actually when I walk down the street I smile at strangers. Sometimes I get a smile back but often the person averts his or her eyes. I hope someday everyone will feel safe to smile at a stranger. I know it makes me feel good!
I’m passionate about my vision, my mission, my calling – to help people to date more consciously and to have more loving relationships with others and themselves. I’ve done a lot of work behind the scenes. I’ve been keeping journals since I was 16 years old so I have all the ups and downs of my love life documented (and have made a mutual agreement with a close friend to burn our journals upon our passing!). I’ve taken lots of courses, read lots of books, done lots of blogging, helped close friends… but playing it safe and being invisible really wasn’t serving anybody. It wasn’t getting my message out into the world and it wasn’t stretching me. I was happily in my comfort zone, but quite stuck.
Public speaking is a strategy for getting out there: so that people could get great information and get a sense of who I am and where I come from but, frankly, the thought of standing up in front of a group was terrifying for me. I had lots of “but what if’s???” and I imagined feeling so exposed! Yikes! I felt the fear. I honoured the fear. I started getting curious about the fear. What’s the worst thing that could happen? How old was that part of me that was so scared of getting up in front of people? Is it really true that people would be there to judge me – or were they there to learn?
I joined Toastmasters so I could get some experience in front of a group. I could feel my heart pounding before giving even a short toast (about 1 minute!) but I survived! In preparing for my first public presentation last month I had sleepless nights punctuated by feelings of dread and overwhelm.
Interestingly, after I’d prepared my talk and all the handouts (and some small prizes) I wasn’t nervous! Interestingly, after all the dread I had about how badly it might go… I actually enjoyed it! I’m looking forward to the next one! I focus on how I can connect with my audience and how I can be of service. I took the risk and got in touch with a gift I hadn’t realized that I had!
How does this story apply to you and dating? For many people, dating is very nerve-wracking. Feel the dating fear. Where do you notice it in your body? If you are observing safe dating practices like meeting in public, what’s the worst thing that could happen? If you’ve allotted 20-30 minutes for a coffee date it’s not forever and you can always end things sooner if your date is rude or unpleasant. How old is the part of you that is dreading the date? Maybe feeling like a 5 or 6 year old on the first day of school? You’re an adult now and you have a lot more resources and coping mechanisms than you did back then.
You can stay home and be invisible – but how are you going to share your gifts with a beloved partner if you never get out and meet people? Yes, it can feel risky to put yourself out like that, but you never know what magic can happen when you take that first step!
Lie on My Online Dating Profile?
This morning I saw a new online profile of a man who is separated and, therefore, legally still married. He chose to say he was single on his profile. His little white lie could be a big deal for a lot of women who want a man who is truly available, not who still has a wife!
I imagine he thought that since they split up two years ago he “feels” single so that’s more relevant than telling the truth. I disagree. Since relationships are based on honesty and trust, why would you advertise yourself as being single when you aren’t? Similarly, why would you say that you’re a non-smoker when you are? (but only when you bum them from friends – you don’t buy them!). Why would you post a photo of when you were 20 years younger (“well, I “feel” 2o years younger!) and why would you lie about your occupation: that you are a businessman when, actually, you are on welfare?
I know that we are in the business of marketing ourselves when we create an online profile. However, you WILL be found out and do you really want to present yourself to the world from a place of dishonesty? I suggest that you don’t. If you’re separated, get that divorce so you really are ready to date. If you’re a smoker and you think that being honest about that will decrease the number of people that are interested in you, you are probably right, but maybe you’ll find a fellow smoker and you’ll be a match! Have the courage to post a current photo. Yes, ladies, we know that men are visual and you may not appeal to everyone, but your beloved will be attracted to you for who you are. And if your financial affairs aren’t in order, do what you can to be more stable before you consider yourself to be available for dating and a relationship! If you’re retired and on a limited income, fine, but don’t pretend that you have lots of disposable income for exotic travel and expensive gifts.
Is it OK to lie on your online profile? You might say yes because “everyone else does”. I invite you to live from a place of integrity and to be willing to be honest right from the beginning. This is the only foundation from which a lasting, healthy relationship can be built.
Last week I shared with you one key strategy to navigate this minefield of dating. I suggested being curious and engaged in the early stages, but to be sure that you don’t invest too much. In this way you can minimize disappointment and heartache.
This week I’d like to share another strategy which is about your mindset – and to be aware of some of the self-sabotaging stories we tell ourselves.
Do you hear yourself saying:
- there are no good ones left
- all the good ones are either married or gay
- I can’t afford to be choosy
- time is running out so I’ll take whatever comes along
Can you see how you are coming from a place of scarcity with this thinking? How do you feel in your body when you say these phrases out loud? And what sort of person are you likely to attract?
How would things be different if you truly believed:
- I am beautiful inside and out
- I’m confident that my soulmate is out there and we will meet when we both are ready
- there are lots of potential partners out there
- I’m so clear in my value that I’m unwilling to settle
- I am the chooser!
Again, say these phrases out loud and notice how you feel. Grounded? Powerful?
We may try hard to “make things happen” but what I’ve learned is the most effective strategy is to continue to work on my own growth and evolution, and to do my part, but to understand that Divine timing is a big part of life. That means to have faith and trust that you WILL continue to be given all that you need.
I invite you over the next few weeks to notice what’s going on in your head. Are you coming from a place of negativity, scarcity and non-possibility or are you feeling confident and excited that your soulmate is on his way to you now? You may want to write out some affirmations to lock in this new way of thinking… and also keep in mind that you may need to do some work on yourself to really be ready for the kind of relationship you want.
A friend sent a link to a recent article in Maclean’s Magazine about women’s sexuality that I found fascinating: http://www2.macleans.ca/2013/06/22/the-two-year-itch/
Research indicates that our commonly held assumptions about women and monogamy might be off the mark! Is a woman’s low libido due to boredom? Libido often wanes in a committed relationship but is rekindled with a new partner.
What are the implications for committed, monogamous, long-term relationships? Tell me what you think!
Online dating is one strategy for meeting people and, hopefully, actually getting out and dating! If you’re new to online dating, or just want some pointers, you’ll want to listen to my radio interview with Ron Capocelli on “Get Relationships Right” on Web Talk Radio. Ron is a fellow relationship coach and he and I are becoming good friends and colleagues! You can learn more about Ron and what he does here: http://inspiredcommitment.com/
And to listen to the radio show, here’s the link: http://webtalkradio.net/internet-talk-radio/2013/06/17/getting-relationships-right-tips-for-success-and-safety-in-online-dating/ We discuss many topics such as how to choose a site, some safety tips for the first few dates, choosing a user name and more.
You can download the show (at no cost) and listen to it on your iPod or mp3 player. It’s just over 30 minutes long.
Last night I watched a film from 2011 called “When Strangers Click: Five Stories from the Internet” last night. I found it fascinating. It showcases five people and their experiences with meeting online. Some of the stories are heartwarming; others show the pain of the dark side of online dating where people are not always who they seem to be.
What I like about this film is that it can give us hope: one couple who were overseas when they met actually married and have stayed together for 9 years. At the same time, it’s realistic: one person had a very disheartening experience and continues to be single. There is a wide range of experiences in this film – typical of people’s varied results with online dating.
I have to say that I marveled at the couple who met and developed a virtual relationship through Second Life ( “a free 3D virtual world where users can socialize, connect and create using free voice and text chat”). It’s not for everyone, but it seemed to work for them.
What do you think about online dating? Do you like how your world opens up to people you wouldn’t ordinarily meet in daily life – or do you prefer the old-fashioned way? What are your concerns about online dating? I’d love to get your comments!
In her book “If I’m So Wonderful Why am I Still Single” Susan Page has involuntary single readers really examine any ambivalence they may have about being in a committed relationship. Most people who long for a relationship can come up with many benefits, but have you actually looked at what you anticipate you might lose if you were in one? There will be challenges – this is inevitable. Really being honest with ourselves and bringing up the pro’s and con’s will allow us to be more conscious about our choices, instead of being sabotaged by self-defeating behaviours.
Join me on Saturday January 26th for part 1 of a 3-part series in which we focus on this essential book for singles! Get more information on my Fireside Chats page.
Are you ambivalent about being in a committed relationship? What would you gain? What might you lose? Which list is longer? Please share your comments!
A client of mine has just decided to stop online dating for a while. She was using that as her only strategy to date and she was finding that she wasn’t living her life. Just this morning, a friend told me that he wasn’t free to meet for coffee because he’d met somebody yesterday and they were going to try being in an exclusive relationship. I don’t know what you think about that, but I think meeting someone and deciding immediately to get into a committed relationship is premature… and to choose not to see friends isn’t going to contribute to the health of this relationship!
I believe that singles need to have full, rich lives so they come from a place of fullness and abundance, not from a place of loneliness and desperation. A viable, healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals.
If you’re dating, are you still spending time on self-care, nurturing friendships, learning and growing, and sharing your gifts with the world? Do you feel balanced? How do you ensure that dating doesn’t interfere with living fully? Please share your thoughts! We’d love to hear from you!
Paul Anka had a hit song years ago called “Lonely Boy”. Here are the words from the first verse: ” I’m just a lonely boy, lonely and blue. I’m all alone with nothin’ to do. I’ve got everything you could think of. But all I want is someone to love.” How appealing is this man going to be to a single woman? He’s lonely, blue, has nothing to do and thinks that having someone to love will fix everything. Seriously, how much love does a man like that have to offer? My thought is that he’s not so interested in giving love as he is in receiving it – so he can feel better about himself and his life.
Recently I heard a woman say that she wanted someone to love. Unfortunately in this culture, having someone to love implies that need to be in a romantic relationship. To me, that’s very sad because there are all kind of opportunities to love people… and the more you love yourself, others, the Divine and random strangers, your capacity to give and receive love expands.
So, this holiday season, please do yourself a favour and instead of lamenting that you don’t have a significant other to love, please practise being a loving person, period. When the time comes that you are in a relationship with a significant other, it will deepen your ability to be more loving without expecting so much in return, and love is never wasted!