I meet many singles who just want to get out there and date and forget the importance of being prepared before dat. “How do I meet people for dating?” is their primary question. What I’d like to see as being the primary question is “What do I need to do to be prepared to date?”
I came up with an analogy recently. What if you and someone you had just met decided that you wanted to start a garden together. Each of you had done a little gardening in the past but with mixed results. You figure there’s nothing to it: just put some seeds in the soil and in time you have a nice garden!
You may discover that your seeds don’t actually thrive. You needed to prepare the soil first, but you didn’t know that. You’ve planted sun-loving crops in shady areas. You didn’t know that. You just assumed that the other person would take responsibility for watering… but you didn’t discuss it. Your plants aren’t doing so well. And it turns out that your partner can’t stand zucchini but you planted lots of it because everyone else does.
This is what I see in a lot of relationships these days. People dive right in figuring that no preparation is required and if their partner is “the One” then it should all be easy. Many people want the crops without the work, and it doesn’t work that way (unless you buy your produce at the store and I haven’t figured out how that works with long-term relationships!)
The divorce rates are sobering and the percentages of marriages that end in divorce gets higher with second and third marriages. People who don’t get prepared by being clear on who they are and what they want, who don’t recognize their patterns, who don’t learn how to communicate effectively and how to resolve conflict… they don’t have much hope for a healthy, lasting, loving relationship, in my opinion.
What can you do to increase your chances of lasting love? Do the inner work! Get the help you need!
I offer programs that help you to discover who you are and to get ready for dating… before you ask “How can I meet people for dating?” I want you to be successful, and I can help you.
Let’s talk! Here’s how you can contact me: https://lovecoachlynn.com/contact/
Last week I shared with you one key strategy to navigate this minefield of dating. I suggested being curious and engaged in the early stages, but to be sure that you don’t invest too much. In this way you can minimize disappointment and heartache.
This week I’d like to share another strategy which is about your mindset – and to be aware of some of the self-sabotaging stories we tell ourselves.
Do you hear yourself saying:
- there are no good ones left
- all the good ones are either married or gay
- I can’t afford to be choosy
- time is running out so I’ll take whatever comes along
Can you see how you are coming from a place of scarcity with this thinking? How do you feel in your body when you say these phrases out loud? And what sort of person are you likely to attract?
How would things be different if you truly believed:
- I am beautiful inside and out
- I’m confident that my soulmate is out there and we will meet when we both are ready
- there are lots of potential partners out there
- I’m so clear in my value that I’m unwilling to settle
- I am the chooser!
Again, say these phrases out loud and notice how you feel. Grounded? Powerful?
We may try hard to “make things happen” but what I’ve learned is the most effective strategy is to continue to work on my own growth and evolution, and to do my part, but to understand that Divine timing is a big part of life. That means to have faith and trust that you WILL continue to be given all that you need.
I invite you over the next few weeks to notice what’s going on in your head. Are you coming from a place of negativity, scarcity and non-possibility or are you feeling confident and excited that your soulmate is on his way to you now? You may want to write out some affirmations to lock in this new way of thinking… and also keep in mind that you may need to do some work on yourself to really be ready for the kind of relationship you want.
I’m sure we all have our share of weird and bizarre dating stories! I just had a very odd experience of thinking I was getting to know a guy mainly through texting (his choice) only to find that there were many red flags and I ended it after only about three weeks. I thought he seemed promising. I was feeling quite optimistic… but I am so clear on my value that I’m simply not willing to settle. How did I weather this without feeling devastated? How can I be so clear that something isn’t working that I can choose to end something that seemed to have great potential?
For those entering the dating world with open hearts, optimism and trust this can be a difficult world. It can take a toll on your self-esteem. How do you date in good faith but with your eyes open?
Today I’m going to offer you one of the most effective strategies I’ve used. I just put this into words when I was debriefing with a friend about the confusion and disappointment I felt recently. I think the secret is to proceed with curiosity and engagement… but not to invest too much too quickly. What I mean by that is to proceed with awareness and actually look for red flags while also being aware of somebody’s good points and how I feel with him. Secondly, I choose to be engaged and to give it my best shot, but to recognize that in the early stages hormones cloud our judgment. Thirdly, I am cautious about the investment I make until I have a better sense that this something that is worth putting time and energy into. There was a time that I would jump with both feet and tell myself that it was “meant to be”. Now, a little older and wiser I hold back and assess. There is no advantage to rushing through dating. It takes time to get to know someone and to check in with yourself about how things are going.
These strategies allow me to have the mindset of being “the chooser” and to be confident that if this man isn’t relationship material, there are plenty more in the sea. Because I’m not desperate I can afford to take my time and wait for someone who truly is my match.
Online dating is one strategy for meeting people and, hopefully, actually getting out and dating! If you’re new to online dating, or just want some pointers, you’ll want to listen to my radio interview with Ron Capocelli on “Get Relationships Right” on Web Talk Radio. Ron is a fellow relationship coach and he and I are becoming good friends and colleagues! You can learn more about Ron and what he does here: http://inspiredcommitment.com/
And to listen to the radio show, here’s the link: http://webtalkradio.net/internet-talk-radio/2013/06/17/getting-relationships-right-tips-for-success-and-safety-in-online-dating/ We discuss many topics such as how to choose a site, some safety tips for the first few dates, choosing a user name and more.
You can download the show (at no cost) and listen to it on your iPod or mp3 player. It’s just over 30 minutes long.
Katherine Woodward Thomas starts a live online Calling in “the One” course this evening. I’m a Certified Calling in “the One” coach and I know how valuable this program is. I have to admit that I feel a little uncomfortable with the claim “7 weeks to attract the love of your life.” In the marketing it is implied that if you take this course, you will find your true love right away. When I work with people, I like to clarify this a bit. I can’t guarantee that you will find the love of your life in 7 weeks if you mean a beloved partner. What you will gain after 7 weeks of this work is a much deeper insight into yourself. You will learn more about your limiting attitudes and beliefs, you’ll learn some great communication skills and you will be much better prepared for love. Yes, you will attract the love of your life… and the love of your life is YOU!
I am very tolerant of my friends. If I don’t hear from them for a while, I just assume that they are busy. If a friend promises to drop by if possible and doesn’t come, I just figure that something else has come up. I have noticed with myself that suddenly the rules change when I’m in a romantic relationship. All of a sudden, I have lots of expectations (ones that aren’t acknowledged, let alone shared!) and it becomes easy for me to take things personally. In a relationship if I haven’t heard from my partner, I might fear the worst and make up stories about how he doesn’t really care. If someone I’m dating says he’ll try to drop by and he doesn’t make it, I can make meaning of it where I wouldn’t with a friend. It’s true when dating that we need to be aware and notice if there are red flags, but I’ve found that when I don’t take another person’s behaviour personally, it frees me!
Have you noticed that you suddenly have expectations and demands when in relationship where you are more tolerant with your friends? Please share your observations!
Some of us love to give. Those of us who are aware are careful to look at our motives to see whether our giving has any strings attached. Giving just for the joy of it is a wonderful experience… but how are you at receiving? Sometimes this is where we are blocked. Do we really feel deserving to receive or are we more comfortable being the giver? Receiving requires some vulnerability and we aren’t always comfortable with that. It means letting go of control and sometimes that’s a real challenge for strong and successful women. But in order to have a healthy relationship there must be give and take, or it becomes one-sided and resentment can build.
What are your challenges in receiving? Can you see how receiving is actually a gift to the other person? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
This Thursday (June 28th) at 7:30pm Eastern I am offering a free Dating Tele-clinic called “Using your Computer to Find your Soulmate”. I will be talking about 5 Pitfalls of Online Dating; 10 key tips to Creating an Online Profile… and more! These online events are informative, interactive and fun! You can still register by emailing me: firstname.lastname@example.org. I hope you’ll join us!